oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
