it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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