She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
