he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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