I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
