Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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