I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize