When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
