the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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