I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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