That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize