Quick, to the slutcave!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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