youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
3pm strippers are depressing
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
