he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
