I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize