Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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