it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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