now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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