You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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