I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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