Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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