I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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