12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You ruined the universe
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize