When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
