nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
