Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
