You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
