I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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