My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
