where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
