apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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