my phone needs a breathalizer
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
