And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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