At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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