All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
God, I missed his penis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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