god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
