yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
