Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
