I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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