So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
