Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
