Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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