Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
