i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize