Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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