Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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