i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
