do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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