i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
