She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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