Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
