I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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