just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize