I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize