you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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