Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
