I'm so fucking centered right now
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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