yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
