Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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