Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
