my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
