Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
