Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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