i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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