I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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