Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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