In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
