you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
