I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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