Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
